Recently a friend of mine wrote about a divide that happens between friends … a divide between those that have a baby and those that do not. I dwelled on the word “divide” for a while, what it entails, and then reflected on what I would be like as a parent. Agreeing with my friend, I believe I would change and this change would probably be perceived as a divide. While I never voice my opinions on parenting, I strongly believe in what I, as a father would be like, which I will not write about either. I will say this … everyone needs their space to become the parent they choose to become.
In this idyllic moment of reflection I have come to realize that I probably would not want to “hang out all the time” with friends, heck I hardly do it now, thus if and when a baby comes, time would be too sacred, to have to miss my child’s small moments and as a father, man don’t get me started. People change, circumstances change.
L and I have talked about how reclusive we are as a couple and how we would become completely reclusive if we had a child. We also talked about how becoming more reclusive would be a choice we would make as parents. Therefore, we’re not ready to make the commitment to children, because at the moment it is not the right fit for our lifestyle. When the time comes to get “on or off the bus” hopefully it will have been a ride or place we enjoyed regardless of the surrounding world. Until then, we’ll tackle that choice in stride, and we’ll keep on “practicing.”
As for not being able to “relate” to those that have children. I may have somewhat of an idea. Here it goes and I know I’ll get crap for it. To assume that those of us that grew up with younger siblings do not have a clue would be wrong. I understand that the bond shared between parent and child is different than the older to younger sibling bond.
I experienced some of the maintenance required of a young child; helping parents with screaming sister, being awoken at all hours of the night, changing diaper, feeding, preparing a bottle, and watching after younger sister, while it may not be all the heavenly duties, I feel it’s some of the important ones.
I also understand that my experience may be different and unique and a refection of my own parent’s parenting style, regardless, I have an image of what parenting might be and as a teacher … well ... let me just say I sometimes have to pick up where parents forgot to go. But I know that my fellow older brothers and sisters are out there, speak so that you may be heard.
Yes, I know and can already hear the “you just don’t understand or you can’t relate” parade.
Wait......Want to know something, you are absolutely right, because if I did understand and could completely relate, then I would be parenting your child, not you. Only you know what is best for your child and yourself as a parent. (the word "you" is used in a general way here)
This is the a word according to
-M
p.s.
Just wanting to start a healthy converstaion between friends.
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7 comments:
good stuff my friend.
First of all parents who tell anyone, "Oh you don't have children so you don't know what it's like" are totally lame and stupid. Sure you have some idea what it's like. Just because someone squeezed a kid out doesn't mean they can now write a scholarly article on it.
If I ever said that (don't think i did) or do say that you have permission to kick me in my nards.
I see what you are saying about being a recluse. I think in this situation though your friend might have been feeling like a forced reclusion (is reclusion a word?) had been put in place by other folks who were assuming that the parents were in seclusion with their little one and had no desire to enter into non-baby events. All of it was probably just perceived to be that way by overly sensitive parents.
I'm going to read your more recent post now about cat poop.
Yes let's start the conversation! Not only because your post was well written and intriguing but because it is of personal interest to me.
First of all I agree with jacknoodle that the intent (I think) was never to say that non-baby people don't relate. As I have said before now that I have baby those who said it was nothing like having a puppy are full of it.
We think our friends can relate which may be part of the separation. Being sensitive individuals you acknowledge that our life is in fact very different. I think you realize that it's hard to keep up all of the relationships in a meaningful way because we are so wrapped up in ourselves. I am also fully aware of this and try to make efforts not to call and tell people how many times the baby pooped today.
You say you might become reclusive or more reclusive if you had a kid. You will most probably. You might though after having spent six days, working, parenting, spousing want to rest on the seventh day. By rest I mean hang out with your friends and let loose a little.
In addition there is small selfish (very selfish I know) part of me that wants the people who are so special to me to be a part of little G's life- this doesn't happen once a month.
The bottom line is that we are learning and feeling things out and since Noodle has his diary online we are all privy. Thanks for responding so eloquently.
oh I see. The business about non-baby people not being able to relate came from the comments on the Noodle post. Got it.
okay now I feel bad. Nobody is lame and stupid. No one in the non-baby world or baby word are smart or stupid. we are all just average.
Oh geez you guys. I am so sorry that my comment caused such a kurfluffle. I certainly did not mean to offend anyone and I apologize. I was talking from my experience of being 19 and having a baby and seeing all my friends waving at me from the back of the bus while I was sitting at the bus stop with all thinking "ah man".
Of course what you said and what you think are valid. Of course you have been around siblings and friends children, and have your own ideas. The bus was merely a metaphor for not being able to do something spur of the moment. I am so sorry if I offended you Martin. I didn't mean to say there was a divide or anything of the sort. Just commenting on my OWN experience which was a million years ago and I didn't have any of you around. I apologize and I promise not to post anything else.
no no melinda! keep posting. this is a good discussion.
totally valid opinions kind sir! i personally have distaste for all divides. but if i wanted to have a divide, i guess i would make one. i guess that's dumb b.s. that everybody knows. i'm good for something! i'm not sure i'll become a "parent" until my kids are out of the nest and successfully living lives of their own. until then, i think i'm just a parent in training, because i don't know what i'm doing half the time. and the other time i'm being told what to do, which is nice. i guess as long as people are happy that's what's important. man, that last sentence is some serious treehuggin goin on! -mike
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